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During Session Zero, groups agree on the system, setting, and themes of an upcoming game. This manages everyone's expectations and ensures everyone's on board, which helps groups get along better in the long run. But many TTRPG books don't present love or lust as regular elements, so players may not expect to deal with them. People often feel strongly about these matters and may have concerns about how they're portrayed, or if they should be included at all. For these reasons, anyone interested in such themes should say so as soon as possible, but most importantly, before they're brought into play. That way, problems can be addressed, no one will be blind-sided, and everyone's desires can be honored.
Stating your preferences doesn't have to be complicated. It can start as easily as: "I read something online and want to talk about adding some romance for my character" or "I read a gaming horror story on Reddit and would like us to avoid sexual themes." If you're worried about putting anyone on the defensive, you can express yourself without referring to anyone else by name: "I don't enjoy flirting in-character, so I'd like to avoid it." And letting everyone know that it's okay to call for a break if someone's uncomfortable is a simple way to keep communication open.
If you have problems with a groupmate or anticipate some because romantic or sexual themes are allowed, meeting with the GM privately first might go better than calling them out when the whole group is present. If the GM won't intervene, however, and the behavior continues, it may be best to bring it up with everyone before the next session and/or leave. No gaming is better than bad gaming.
Safety tools like Lines and Veils can help handle these issues, but there are different ways to keep folks comfortable, and what works for one group may not fly in others. It's important that everyone is invited to express themselves in a way they're comfortable with, not just once but over time. Yes, that means the whole group should agree to the method that's used. And however you go about it, everyone should be able to negotiate terms the whole group agrees to.
If others don't know what you want, it can be difficult for them to fulfill your desires. That's why each person in a gaming group should consider what they want out of the experience and share their wishes and boundaries. Group discussions help everyone get to know each other better, but even private talks between a player and GM are better than nothing. And sensitive matters don't need to be broached face-to-face - online messages can help shy gamers get their points across.
To have fair and real choices, people need to be able to say how they feel without being shamed. In gaming, if players are ridiculed or pressured when they speak up, they might go along with things they don't want to keep the peace, but they probably won't feel good about it and those feelings will fester. This is just as true for GMs as it is for players. A GM should be able to assert boundaries like anyone else. Concerns should be heard with open minds, and solutions should be embraced by all. This is how groups build a consensus that works for them, whether romance is an option or not.
It's best to decide on one of these options first:
Sex and/or romance shouldn't be mentioned at all.
Sex or romance are acceptable as topics outside gameplay, with restrictions.
They're acceptable as topics of discussion and events in-game, with conditions.
If anyone in the group doesn't want sex or romance to be part of game time in any way, that should be honored. It could be that a group is comfortable with one over the other, or both to different degrees. If the group plays in public or in the presence of minors, no matter how much they might want to dig into these themes, it will probably be best to refrain.
Many groups won't be comfortable with detailed descriptions of sexual activity or extended flirting between characters. Agreeing to avoid explicit details can help. It can also be helpful if anyone can ask for a "fade to black" during a romantic scene that's going on too long or heading into more intimate territory. And don't forget that some folks will be uncomfortable with sexual humor, especially if they're new to a group. A good general guideline is to avoid turning any scene into the steamiest parts of a romance novel (unless your group enjoys that, of course!).
If the group agrees to allow sex or romance as themes during gameplay, consider some common conditions next:
It can be a component of history and myths in the setting but not present characters' lives.
It can be restricted to NPCs' histories or "off-screen" experiences and presented second or third-hand.
It can occur in NPCs' lives and may be discussed first-hand.
It can be allowed in PC backgrounds but not current play.
It can be acceptable during active scenes, to an extent.
Creating some distance between the PCs and these experiences might make some gamers feel more comfortable with these themes. Showcasing notable romances or trysts in tales or NPCs' lives can be entertaining and enlightening. "So that's why Sir Brash abandoned his duties! He fell in love and knew his lord would never approve." This can also prevent players from feeling pressured to have their characters participate. They won't have to worry about flirting or propositions, out of the blue or otherwise, if love and sex are only concerns for NPCs.
Allowing for relationships in player characters' pasts can make them feel more real and influence how they react to NPCs (and vice versa). Past relationships can stay in the past or be reignited, if that's okay. And keeping an eye on how relationships proceed can keep groups from feeling bored or resentful. After all, these themes can quickly eat up game time without involving everyone. Applying time limits to private scenes and only allowing them from time to time will keep the rest of the game moving.
Consent is an ongoing process of negotiation because feelings and desires can change over time. What everyone agreed to in the beginning might not work indefinitely, so GMs should check in with their group occasionally. This doesn't have to happen every session or disrupt play time; it can occur before or after a session or during breaks. But open talks should happen often enough that everyone knows they're welcome.
Anyone in a group should be able to raise concerns, since a game belongs to everyone at the table. And decisions shouldn't be forced. If someone needs time before making up their mind, let them think it over, at least for a few days. Most importantly, anyone should be able to withdraw from a situation at any point, without negative consequences. This includes in-game developments and out-of-game interactions. As frustrating as delays and disruptions may be, lashing out or ostracizing someone for changing their mind damages trust. Gaming is a freely chosen hobby, not an iron-clad obligation, and many groups can agree to temporary terms while larger issues are resolved.
This may seem like a lot of bother over nothing. You may think that only weak, prudish, or immature people need to have these terms spelled out for them. Surely sexually active adults will know what to expect and won't be upset by some fantasy romance! You might believe that sex in a game will only be a problem if players have been traumatized in the past. You might also think you can just read people's facial expressions and body language to figure out if they're okay with what's happening.
These arguments are made whenever consent comes up. But people care about love and sex a lot and might have intensely negative reactions, whether they've had bad experiences with these matters or not. While our characters may be telepathic, we aren't, and when we misread social cues, we might not know we've failed or by how much. So we can't take for granted that we know what others want until they tell us. And doing so isn't always easy. People may not know how to start a conversation or struggle to find the right words. They might not be aware of every situation that will upset them or have a change of heart after a recent experience in their lives.
For all of these reasons and more, we can't just rely on what we see, what people have said or done in the past, or our instincts. We have to engage and communicate in good faith to keep things fair and fun.
Sex and romance have been regular features of my gaming experience for decades. I've written reams about how to integrate them into tabletop games because I've seen first-hand how enriching they can be. So it might surprise you to see me say this, but it's true: you should never force love or sex, in or outside of the game, no matter how much you want them.
Forcing romantic ties between characters is likely to make players feel like their choices don't matter. They'll probably resent feeling coerced to interact in ways they don't like or having their character's feelings dictated to them. Even in games with characters they enjoy, pressure can ruin the mood, temporarily or permanently. This is true whether PCs or NPCs are involved, so GMs and players need to respect what others want for their characters.
Everyone also needs to acknowledge that saucy interactions between player characters introduces additional concerns. People who are okay with some banter between their characters and NPCs may want nothing to do with PCs. Whether they're single or in a relationship doesn't mean they're okay with romantic or sexual scenes with other player characters. Just because they accepted some light flirting doesn't mean they're open for more, either. And it can quickly become uncomfortable when other people at the table push for such interactions. So, once again, it's best not to assume what others want. Ask first and be willing to accept their response in a friendly way.
When it comes down to it, everyone at the table deserves options at all times and in all aspects. If a player grows annoyed with a persistent suitor, they should have input on how things proceed. They could want things to cool down or stop entirely. Players can also feel annoyed if marriage is constantly thrust at their characters. When marriage is a regular feature in a game and a normal expectation in societies, social pressure can pile up and become dispiriting. A good way to avoid this is for GMs to offer several ways for players to take their characters "off the market," such as by joining a religious order, being younger than a certain age, or being expected to perform a great task first. If all three of these options are available, then players will have various ways to bow out with grace.
Just in case it isn't already apparent: a character shouldn't be forced to marry anyone unless that's what their player says they want beforehand. If sexual or romantic elements occur during play and make anyone uncomfortable, it should be okay for anyone to ask for a break to discuss it, including GMs. If some players resent the spotlight time that relationships are taking up, some fine-tuning is probably necessary. No matter how awkward or silly such problems in a fictional game may seem, negotiating a solution together is the best way to keep everyone happy.
Whenever you're asking fellow gamers to go along with something, remember that their consent should be:
freely and clearly given
enthusiastic
fully informed
ongoing
revokable
specific
By honoring your fellow gamers' choices, you can build a strong, comfortable group that stands the test of time. And knowing that everyone is having fun and wants to keep going is the best part of roleplaying.
On the next page, we'll explore how to establish boundaries about rape and sexual assault before these topics come up in your games or lead to problems in your group.
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